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no doubt that s. had an aspiring soul. but he was also a mudwallower, lazy and selfish. so, anything he ever did requiring serious efforts raised his opinion of himself and gave him hope. g. had said that only super-efforts count and that idea became, if you will, his good side, and the impetus for change.
without knowing very much, with the little discipline he had acquired as an artist and the practice of daily sessions of quiet contemplation every morning, little by little, s. gained some traction. the germ of self-consciousness, though as fragile as a dry twig, became the potential 'center of gravity' he yearned for. to be constantly changing roles and being absorbed by life and ruled by his unruly emotions was a life style which had become threadbare and unacceptable.
s. assessed himself as having no life; no more than an amoeba bouncing from one wall to another.
so how do you acquire a real individuality with the ability to chose a direction and stick with a higher purpose than the broken functioning which could soon become a monster?
g. talked about obedience to another, a guide. so s. tried to follow advice. bob f. said, read mt. analogue. so he did. mitchell r. suggested that he had already read enough. always these contradictions. you still have to ponder deeply and often to muster the force necessary to do anything. to go from a to b takes great sincerity.
One day meeting with bob f. at “horn and hardarts”, s. asked,
“when are you going to introduce me to lord pentland?”.
“I’m not.” , f. replied solemnly, “but we will go on being friends, you know.”
s. took this so hard that tears welled up in his eyes. He thought he had been doing well, was showing signs of understanding the ideas and gaining a little ground. Consequently, he was extremely shaken by the news that he wouldn’t be starting in the ‘work’.
Then walking across town with f., they stopped at a light and bob announced, “I’m going to marry Julie.”.
“o.k.”, s. swallowed some spit.
“why tell me? You don’t need my permission.” Bob said,
“well, how do you feel about that?”
“I don’t feel anything.”, and they parted company.
*************************************************************
sure, "mt. analogue" helped s. to absorb the idea that a guide is someone who has been where you want to go; so temporarily at least if you are obedient to the guide and sacrifice your self-will, it takes the form of training, not a loss of individuality at all, as one might fear. there must be some wholehearted trust. and you have to see and verify that it works. running on the ice takes attention.
try something different. put a stick in the spokes of the wheel of mechanical behavior; to see the subtle forces which cause the pattern to repeat itself. That was the idea.
That evening s. and Mitchell rudzinsky, the composer, met at “cedar tavern”. Together they downed about eight glasses of beer in about an hour and Mitchell told this story about ‘triunculus’. Mitchell was always telling stories.
“you don’t want to be like triunculus, do you?”, “who’s triunculus?”, wondered s.
S. suspected that he had made this one up on the spot.
“triunculus was a little boy who invented games, but he never played them. He wrote songs, but he never sang them. He even built lovely little sailboats, but he never sailed them.
One day a devil heard about him and decided to make an end of him.
Then he decided to just make a beginning of him and left him like that. Triunculus never did grow up.”
That night in his bed s. turned the day over in his mind and thought to himself.
“didn’t I cut my hair? Didn’t I get a job? Wasn’t I giving Julie $20 a week? What do they expect of me?
another night mitchell told the story of the prison. s. was sure he had made that one up too…
"a man was put in a dungeon. it was always dark and the rats were numerous. it wasn't safe to be there at all because the other prisoners would just as soon cut your throat as spit on you.
however there was a small group of good men who befriended him. and one night, the leader whispered that some of them were planning an escape and would he like to join them? "oh yes. definitely!"
"there's only one thing. you will have to grease your body." "what? what? grease my body?"
ouch! now I feel for s. I hope he doesn't react negative and end to self distruction again…. 😥
ups and downs that's the reality of living. slowly but surely we learn to accept that. don't worry, from here on it's a climb, but no self-destruction… well, after one more adventure "the hall of the mountain king", coming soon to a blog near you. :heart:
Originally posted by I_ArtMan:
:hat::love:
i do hope i don't keep you waiting too long for this one. i could take it straight from my 'journal' of the time, but i would rather go back and take it step by step from my memory. it's a hard story to tell right. 😎 :love:i can love you from afar. right? now that s. is out of the doghouse. for the moment anyway. :happy:
Originally posted by I_ArtMan:
*she feels the love and smiles as she types * :heart:
a smile is all i wanta kiss would be amissa hug will beat a kissbut all i need is a smile. :heart:
:obeautiful! :heart:you wake up the romantic side in me again 🙂 I wonder at times how you know what I love the most!William Blake (1757-1827)The Smile There is a smile of love, And there is a smile of deceit, And there is a smile of smiles In which these two smiles meet; And there is a frown of hate, And there is a frown of disdain, And there is a frown of frowns Which you strive to forget in vain, For it sticks in the heart's deep core, And it sticks in the deep back bone, And no smile that ever was smil'd, But only one smile alone That betwixt the cradle and grave It only once smil'd can be, But when it once is smil'd, There's an end to all misery.
meli :heart: great blake quote and so appropriate.songs of innocence is my all time favorite poetry.well, i have to admit i love coleridge too. :happy:i love them all. 💡 from sappho to ovid to blake and dylan thomas… the wordsmiths like elliot and keats.
It sounds like s. is struggling with who he really is in life and what his beliefs really are. I thought about my son while reading this.
Originally posted by I_ArtMan:
meli :heart: we often exchange poetry verses and opinions on books… If you recall back in November or so, we were talking about the 'The Brothers Karamazov'. Well I couldn't resist ,but adding this link for you here :http://www.theonion.com/content/news/film_adaptation_of_the_brotherslove ya!
Originally posted by ellinidata:
that's what friends are for meli :heart:
meli :heart: i remember our exchanges relating to "the brothers karamazov." funny, i had no problem reading it at all. i remember very well that i just plowed through it.and the review of the movie doesn't make me want to see it.the one with yul brenner as dmitri and lee j. cobb as old karamazov was well made… good production values.everyone should at least read the argument between ivan and the devil.
you got it pam, unstable at this time but observing some hard truths. new questions and dissatisfaction are arising. he really doesn't know what he wants. :sherlock:
Originally posted by I_ArtMan:
:heart:I couldn't agree more! sometimes there are chapters I read that i want to share with the whole world… when not possible to do so,I know I can always share with you meli :heart:
:sing: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Sco-ott, happy birthday to you. And many more! :sing: You didn't put up a birthday post, but I am here to give you birthday wishes anyway. Hope you have had a wonderful day, Scott, and that your birthday turns out to be a special one. Love you.
thanks so much linda, i appreciate the good wishes.i spent the day deep cleaning my apartment. now i am going off to eat out. :happy: :hat: :wizard: :jester:
Happy Birthday, Scott!:hat::hat::hat::up:
nothing like staring a new year with a clean apartment! Happy Bday Scotty!! Many happy Returns! PSI had to break my rules just for you meli :heart:Love ya!
Glad you are getting to go out to eat. 😆
thanks star, it was a good one. i may even post on it. some cool pics. :happy:
linda,yeah, it was great. spontaneous. friend halldor called (otherwise i think i was thinking of just staying home, at that point.) so i was happy and we went to a cool french restaurant. i had boeuf bourgignon. :happy: :hat: :chef:
awww, meli :heart: ya shuddna. :up:
Sounds great. Happy for you.