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nobody but the addicted ones know how sad a disease alcoholism is. somebody once said "alcoholism is a great 'remover'. it can remove your job, your house, your wife, children even."
You have to be stubborn not to forgive others, but you have to be crazy not to forgive yourself. You were there… were you maliciously wrong?
Could you have done it all differently, you would have. My self-will alone drove me down. Too often choosing the, ‘easier softer way’, sometimes at the worst possible time. Self-destructive compulsion. That’s a sin… I missed the mark. So what? I forgive myself. Onward and upward!
Alcoholics are the most blaming people in the world. It’s part of the disease, to find fault. The spiritual problem is a giant indulgent negativity.
We want our wives back, our lives restored. We wish to be absolved of sin.
We can hardly bear that people can’t understand that we were in the grips of a powerful incurable disease. Do people in our culture divorce their cancerous spouses?
First of all I have to sort out in my own lonely and fearful skull full of furies and confusion just how much fault I can own up to for devoting so much time, energy and money to the pursuit of feeling better.
I can easily assess how much shame and secrecy I felt; the number of times in a sober moment in contemplating the first drink of the day. I often
Would remember the line in the Bible “ God will forgive you ‘seven times seventy’ times for your transgressions.” And I was pretty sure I had used them all up. Certainly I had used all the pardons my wife was capable of.
Anyway, as far as the outside world is concerned, I must take my medicine like a man. I am cut off from the life I had, the ‘who’ I was, husband, father, community servant… artist. Am I entitled to any bitterness? No. Life goes on and I go on praising it.
So, to surrender fully to this disease includes letting go of all resentments; even against my own self. This is how we can consciously carve out a new life. Hang on to nothing; everything that is past is gone except the effects, most of which dissolve with time. I have today to make amends. The only way I have to regain my innocence until the ‘magic’ works. But I am the angry man who buried the hatchet but still remembers where it is. I can forgive myself only if I am sincerely sorry and confess it.
I have the future to think of and dwelling on the past always makes me angry with myself. The errors of the past are riddled with passivity. My active efforts, however, still support me. I build on that. I don’t give up.
Also, I forgive everyone for everything, let’s get on with it, and perform stupendously creative work for the common good and leave the world better than we found it, if we can. If we can’t, at least we tried.
just in case you're wondering… on may 21 i will celebrate four years of recovery. that is four years without a drink or any other mind altering substance. it's a miracle.
IN THE HAND OF GOD
peace and forgiveness
I_ArtMan
Scott – for once I will not comment on your wonderful pictures.I will express my deepest feelings of respect towards you. You have not only had the courage to realise your disease – you also had the power to kick out the demon of alcohol and face the real world by yourself.On top of this you now have the power to express your feelings in this weblog. You are really digging deep here.Scott, I salute you – as I understand that you for a long time have had to take one day at a time, realising that the demon is sitting somewhere near you, just waiting for you to fail once. But you haven´t failed so far – and you won´t tomorrow either.It´s a miracle – as are you and your wonderful art.
thank you allan.yeah, they say that the disease is doing push-ups all day long and the warning is to do something every day against the 'isms' of alcoholism. it's like putting money in the bank. someday you're going to need that. just because the obsession is lifted doesn't mean that it can't come on full blast all of a sudden and i have to be prepared.i don't know what possessed me to suddenly blurt all this out today but it must be along the lines of being honest. i've found honesty is a powerful tool for recovery. also, they say "you're only as sick as your secrets." by admitting my faults i remind myself to 'guard against the unguarded moment' and get another day.thanks for your friendly support.
not insignificant.
A moving post indeed. My ex-wife's mother was consumed by alcoholism, managed to get dry and then became a gambling addict, throwing away one milion dollars in the process. No one should ever underestimate the awful power of the disease, or the dreadful compulsion of addictive behavior.You have done marvelously well to stay drink-free for 4 years and to show us how much you have regained your self-respect through your art and words on these pages. I see no reason why, as you move on one day at a time, you will not ascend to surpass your wildest aspirations for yourself. :)By the way, you mentioned
Cancer I do not know about, but I can tell you from my own work experience that spouses frequently divorce people with Multiple Sclerosis.
no kidding. how cruel. summer soldiers is what they are.thanks for your generous comment musickna.one day at a time.
joni… that was so nice of you to say. it means a lot to me.i'm relieved that my post didn't just chase away all of my friends.peace
I stand in awe of you Scott for having the courage to face your demons, and to expose them here on this page. I celebrate your sobriety and hope that each new day without the crutch of alcohol will empower you to be everything that you were meant to be. Looks like it already has!!Joni
Anonymous – D writes:"We can hardly bear that people can’t understand that we were in the grips of a powerful incurable disease."I try/have tried to understand, and your entry lends to that understanding.You write of a self-will. I wonder, for you, if it had a … persona? I don't mean like hearing voices, but more like here-it-comes-again-sitting-across-the-table-from-me sort of a thing. Is it a different self-will that makes it get up and walk out the door? I just ran across your site, but only goodness know how. Thank you.
dear d," Is it a different self-will that makes it get up and walk out the door?"the year that i got the 'gift' and began to recover i went for sixty days without alcohol on my own. that was the force of my self-will.but after these horrible 60 days, i had to have it. there was no power in me to stay stopped.shortly after that i hit the worst bottom i'd ever experienced and was near suicide. i was rescued by a friend. he took me to his sponsor's house, gave me a bed with clean sheets and i slept like a baby. i had an experience of pure gratitude that unloosed a deluge of tears. that was me. the elemental me. the 'persona' you talk about shuddered at this point because it knew that it's reign was over.i have a disease that is trying to kill me. it is just as palpable as milk. noone knows exactly how it works that the obsession is lifted, but as long as i fully respect the miracle and remember my years of slavery and take steps to build a new foundation of self i will be a 'new' man.if i were to have only one drink, it would immediatly be 'back to the races'because 'it' didn't get up and walk out the door. it is me.and my enemy is myself.thankyou for the stimulating question d. i hope i answered it to your satisfaction.
I've had plenty of friends who've been alcoholics, drug addicts, and gamblers, as well as enough of my own difficulties. Must admit, I don't have much time for them anymore. Too many go from addicted, to recovering, and stop short of recovered. Yes, I know it's a process, but the recovering can become just another addiction. They freeze in no-mans land and stop changing.I know I keep banging on about leadership, failure, and depression, and it irritates me no end. At some point, whether it's banging my head against a brick wall or letting go, whatever works, I'm going to fix it and move on. The only other option is to slaughter half the planet, commit suicide, or both. I'll be damned if I'm going to wallow and squander opportunity.The pointing finger isn't the moon, etcetera.
that's because you don't recover. we say we are in recovery. we never say we are recovered. addiction is a genetic propensity. the only remission possible is total abstinence.
I don't know many people capable to do what you have done ArtMan. You're a fighter – never doubt about that. Stay that way. HYS
i've heard that one in thirty-five people who stop stay stopped. so that does make me a rare bird lolthanks for dropping by zerog. owe you a visit.
That's not true. The latest research and anecdotal evidence suggests an, as of yet, undetermined number of alcoholics can recover. This is well known to the upper echelons of Alcoholics Anonymous in the United Kingdom and, I daresay, in the United States as well.The thing here is that not all alcoholics are genetically predisposed to it, and even that can be considered doubtful. The problem for many is like any other damaging habit that becomes deeply embedded it takes a huge effort to overcome. Some make it, some don't.The real issue I have with recovering addicts is they think they've changed, but it's only on the surface. The may have stopped, but they also stop moving forward. Their personalities have become frozen in time. In spite of the talk, they fear letting go. That said, I wouldn't encourage anyone to risk it, but stay focused on developing winning strategies and positive goals. It fills your life with something else, keeps you developing, and helps avoid the idle hands syndrome, which only leads to more trouble.Nice dragon!
I like Chinese and Japanese dragons. They're graceful and subtle. Maybe it's a personality thing? I am wondering whether your love of lines, shade, and colour might produce some arresting pictures if you could blend some Western and Eastern inspiration. Maybe, you could surpise us sometime. I'm just curious to see what you might produce.
absolutely, i know what you mean. if you don't grow you go. i agree with you about changing because the person i was will drink again.the 'idle hands syndrome' exactly. you can't stay in hover mode.i'm glad you like my dragon.
HI Scott,Congrats on your anniversary and may you have many more LoveEve
Scott,Thank you so much for being so open about all this. I am so proud of you. Keep it up my friend. It can be done, and who better to do it than you? The point my friend, is not how you got to that low point, the point is that you were there, and you arent anymore. The point is, that you made it through. When you and I talk I see two of you (no, I'm not crazy) I take that back, I see three, the man you were, the man you are, and the man you are going to be at some later date. I hope I get to see it.all my love and supportKat
eve,thankyou also for your kind words and good wishes. i'll be four years old on may 21st… guess i should put a countdown up?
thanks kat for the vote of confidence. you are being a real friend and i appreciate it.i am trying but sometimes it's like running on the ice.
Okay, I can't take it anymore, everyone else had something to say that is interesting to you, and I can not say much on this subject. I just want to comment, I am sure that this addition is hard to beat, just as any other would be….congrats!!I can say something really personal, my father was a photographer….he had a studio when we live in NC. But he was addicted to women, porn, (and I know now, sex) He was a flirt, cheated on my mother, but was sooo loving to us, his children. Everything was good in life, except that. I never knew there was underlying stress from my mother, worrying about my father and what he was doing. I remember red roses being in the sink one morning, in a beautiful vase, after my father was gone for 2 nights….hmmm, apologizing I guess.Who knows…….I just wanted to share that with you. YOUR story is a beautiful one.Thanks,Sarah
dear sarah,thankyou for giving from your heart of hearts. the red roses made me think… it's a nice gesture but doesn't quite erase the shame. your poignant comment is the cherry on top of my sundae here.
Jon Cumming writes:Scott, Has it been four years? time flies. I will be celebrating three years on June 6. I love all the comments from your friends and I am sincerely proud of you for what you have accomplished. I was thinking of how seasonal changes also inspire inner growth and a recognition of our connection to mother earth. yesterday I spent the whole day tending to my garden– it was the first real warm day in awhile– I couldn't help myself. The comment about staying busy with positive goals and some sort of life strategy has been part of what has helped keep me sober these past years, but I also know that god has a lot to do with it.you know, the connection.Keep up the good work you say to me. I say it to you now. Love, Jonathan
ahhh… me boy… ye brought tears to me eyes with your fine comment.seriously, i thank you from my heart.remember when we were building chimneys together and you were up there laying brick, and the boss bellowed "i love you" in front of the whole neighborhood? that was me of course. at the time, i thought you might mind that and say something like. "don't do that again. you embarassed me in front of the men." but you didn't. you accepted it without squirming. i love you.
scott,Just back from a hiatus, catching up on your blog, and then you slam me with this one! I won't repeat all the things already said, I'll only second them. I wondered if you had ever contemplated the addictive/obsessive behaviors that are destructive and those passions that drive our creative efforts? Methinks that they are dangerously close. I have slowly, over 30 years, picked up and cast off several destructive behaviors. In the end I have come to the point where I see this fine line between my passions and my lusts.Perhaps it is as the mystics say: I need to let go of myself to find myself.yours in the peace of acceptance,pilchbo
Dear Scott.Your story, like ur pictures are inspirational. As a social worker and medical man i have seen too often that spouses leave each other when one get sick, whatever the disease, alcoholism, other addiction, MS, Colittis ulcerosa (extremely often) The one that fill me with most sorrow is that couples with severe or chronicle sick children divorce (much more often than parents without). How are ur children?Tank u for waching me :love:
yes :love:Ps Thank u for sharing this about ur family. We are blessed afte all, in spite of all our troubbles :angel: I just wonder if i have been one of the reasons for our computer troubble to day :sherlock:
i suppose they have their reasons and struggling with themselves. and some felt that the future would be unbearable so they 'used the knife', meaning they cut their ties.but i would say to them that the imagination isn't always a good thing. to think that you can see an unbearable future is an illusion.but i don't blame them. they made a choice and they have every right to go either towards acceptance or denial.all four of my children are doing well, but i do miss them.i am in close touch with my wife… jean, who keeps me apprised of their activities. and except for jennifer, my oldest girl, they all communicate now and then which always makes me happy.ryan is in computer technology in florida. caitlin, my youngest, is going to university in pennsylvania.and jonathan, my oldest, who commented above manages to visit at least once a year. he's building houses in pennsylvania. one of my few links goes to his construction portfolio. take a look.thank god for email. no body, not even me ever writes a good letter anymore. which is a great loss. well, some people still do i'm sure. lol. how would i know?thanks for the comment arne… really surfing back in time aren't you?
Anonymous writes:Hi their. Well done for for getting over what is a hideous disease that ruins everything. I am at the moment struggling to overcome alcholism though feel confident that it will happen. If slash can stop drinking then so can I. Good on u mate.
good luck with the effort. it's an effort like no other in the world.one day at a time i can do it. then years go by and i really understand why it was so important to never falter. one drink is all it takes for the obsession to kick in again, and then it's down that same old dirty old road again.i wish you well whoever you are… just for trying.
thanks for chiming in arne… he won't be back probably. when anonymous readers comment, they have never returned. of course, there is always a first time.
Good luck Anonymous :up:
Anonymous writes:Hello, I found your blog by accident and felt compelled to comment on your initial post – especially your comment about spouses divorcing alcholics. I am an ex-wife of an alcoholic and the decision to leave was heartbreaking. I still carry tremendous guilt for leaving someone that I knew to be very sick, but unlike a cancer sufferer, my husband was not actively seeking a "cure" and the emotional rollercoaster of living with an active alcoholic was more than I could bear. It took a lot of years before I realised that it didn't matter how hard I tried to help him get sober, it would make no difference unless he tried as well.I read once that alcoholics do not marry – they take hostages, and that was a pretty accurate description for how I felt. I desperately wanted to escape the deceit, the lies, the disappointment and the fear, but was held back by love for the loving (and very frightened) person that I knew was trapped within an awful addiction.I am still in contact with him and his battle with the demon continues. I commend you for your honesty and your efforts. All the very best for your future sobriety.
thank you so much for commenting. you put it very well. and you are right, it may be a disease but it doesn't call for sticking around to help the sick one. if he was going to a.a. then i think it comes within the boundaries of the vows. but if he can't get it, eventually, a wife must free herself from bondage. very true. :happy:thanks for the good wishes. it never really goes away but the cure is easy… just don't drink. 😎 then of course theres's twelve steps that must be mastered over and over again to stay sober. so strange.
I have a friend at (my former) work who are in the same position as you, anonymous. I just want to say to us all: HOPE. Do not give up the hope that his life and your life will become better sometime. :love: :up: Arne