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i was complaining once, privately, to a man for whom i had the greatest respect and whose probity and wisdom had no equal yet in my life. I asked him "why does life have to be so hard?" he answered, "scott… but that's what makes it interesting." at the time i was not satisfied with that answer.
but now i find that it's true. and what makes it so interesting is that after a while i stopped looking for troubles to end, but in the moment to intuitively divine the source of the next onslaught and with a right choice, dissolve it before it reached me. it also helps to strive to know everything. and this includes understanding my own complexities.

but what has me cogitating ferociously right now has to do with the hopes and fears, imaginings and disappointments in relation to other complexities like myself.
in a way we are all inscrutible mostly because of two things i see… mechanical behaviour and the mask we wear. i should say masks. we depend on these masks the way the chameleon changes colors to blend in with his surroundings.

another tip i go by in my relations with others is the sentence i have memorized but can't remember where i read it. maybe in the back of a.r. orage's "psychological exercises." anyway, it goes…" never compare yourself to others because it will either make you obsequious with them or arrogant, neither of which is becoming to a human."

then there's the feedback phenomenon. ideally, i don't think we should need feedback. but we do… i do. but it is a tool of self-doubt. it's a fine edge and a slippery razor to righteously follow one's star and work in one's own way, questioning always but striving for vision.
and whether or not anyone understands what i'm trying, to keep to it. and if my efforts fall apart (usually because of some fantasy or foible)then so be it. i did it on my own and the consequences are owned.
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